I never thought I would need a meat cleaver but this year it’s first on my Santa list.

I bought a Blue Hubbard squash and after I tried to cut into it I realized very quickly that neither the Kasumi nor the Henckels were up to the task.  I risked life, limb and torso trying to cut the damned thing in half so that I could peel it which I thought I would have to do with my teeth.  It was like trying to break into Fort Knox and about as futile as trying to find a parking spot at Yorkdale at Christmas.

The thing was sliding around this way and that, taking the cutting board with it.  Finally I put the board ON THE FLOOR, knee on the squash, and stabbed it repeatedly with both hands gripping the handle. Suddenly my kitchen turned to black and white, and there, on the wall, was a silhouette of the knife going up and down.  Wretched screams were coming from somewhere and beyond, the sound of sinister violins!  Horrors!  I was in my own Hitchcock movie!  Good evening said the fat man standing over me.

The squash finally gave way.  Its spirit and body broken, I was able to cut it in half.  Using my 10″ chef’s knife to peel it revealed a deeply beautiful, orange flesh.  How can such savagery beget so much beauty? I asked myself, wiping the tears from my eyes with hands that would be sore for a week.

I need a cleaver.

As Dave says, you need a cleaver for Blue Hubbards.  He says, “use a strong meat cleaver to deliver a fast, hard strike dead center. Don’t be afraid, and don’t pull your punch, and THE SQUASH WILL SPLIT IN TWO LIKE THE SKULL OF YOUR ENEMY AS YOU CLEAVE HIS HELM WITH YOUR BROADSWORD.”

I just can’t wait for Christmas, can you?

(Thanks to Dave for the quote – see http://davescupboard.blogspot.ca, Blue Hubbard photo thanks to intentblog.com, meat cleaver photo from Sur La Table Christmas and Santa by childrenstorytales.com)